Yes, totally nothing.

Staying on in a place you no longer love or even like is difficult, much tougher than I thought. I wonder how long more will I be able to last before I explode.

What’s the problem? No more fit between what I want and what I need. Just feel like an overworked bangla, and at least banglas have it better in that they can curse at their bosses in Bangladeshi and there’s nothing I can do. Sigh I am the one in control of my life. Just kinda lost now.

Need career guidance. Money vs feeling happy.

Just so sick of being stuck every week of work. I love what I do, I just happen to hate where I have to do it.

Come July I have even less reasons to go to work. Sigh..

It ended well though. Met joel for dinner and we had to make a stop at one of our selected wedding photographers’ place. Had a wonderful chat and felt so blessed that the Lord provided us with such nice people keen to do our shoot, at a price we felt happy with too!

To cut it shorter, we invited them to our engagement party!

It was then dinner at ikea! Loved it! Furniture browsing was great fun too.. I got my containers for the candy buffet i’ve been really excited about for the party!

Dress design approved by my side.. His side tmr then! so glad its sunday! We need some recreation!

look out for this space

i’m disappointed, maybe even a little disempowered. it’s either too much work and burnt out VS feeling ousted. which will you choose?

sometimes i wonder if it’s easier to remind myself that triangles like me will never fit into the inside of a circle, even if i pretend to be one. a triangle is a triangle. a circle a circle.

i still like being a triangle better. and i know Mr. Seah likes me as one too.

nah, no time to be!! Would love to be though, just for fun!

Life is getting too hectic for my likes. Too much, too much, too fast. I want to slow down and enjoy the moment. I want to slow down and savour the process of preparing for our wedding. I want to slow down and take each day as it is.

But it is not to be. What was I thinking? Like doing a Masters is not enough, I had to go and take up this play therapy certification. What was I thinking? Like having to work isn’t already tiring enough?

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

But sometimes, it is very hard to be joyful when so many things are happening, all at the same time. The Lord gives me strength, but I hope He gives me the peace of mind and heart to enjoy and soak in each moment.

That would be really really REALLY nice.

Having said that, Joel and I have experienced so many blessings from so many people. It’s amazing!

Blessed beyond Measure:

1. Wedding date? Checked
2. Church venue? Checked
3. Officiating pastor? Checked (favorite pastor somemore)
4. Wedding banquet? Checked (nice coordinator and high ceilings! woohoo!!)
5. Gown designer? Checked (thank God Margaret knows what she’s doing!)
6. Engagement party? Checked (in the midst of planning for it)
7. Wedding help? Checked (wow!!)
8. Flowers? Almost checked (found a wonderful lady who is so talented!)

I could go on and on and on. But really, so thankful. From the two of us – we’ve been so busy with work, school, ministry.. it’s hard to imagine that all these were settled in less than 2 months of our engagement. cool right? my God is able.

Good night!

okay maybe not the sort where i sit on the floor and kick my legs and flail my arms like an idiot.. or the sort where i bawl and cry my eyes out. i was just really angsty.

now that i think about it, it’s really a combination of many things. first the upcoming 20-day trip (that will wipe out a huge chunk of my savings), work, and feeling lost.

let’s talk about that trip first:

one of the aspirations i have as a social worker/counsellor is to specialize. and in my years (2+) of practice, i’ve found my calling to be working with children. Not sure why, but it’s a really good feeling to have found something i am passionate doing, and especially that while i work hard, working with children is both a breeze and enjoyable. even difficulties and stuckness brings about more revelations and i’ve had many “ah-ha!!” moments. so i decided to specialize in child therapies, and my love has always been play! taking up this course in play therapy, we assumed that i would be funded. to cut a long story short, that idiot of a company pulled out (bad budgeting) and so i’ve gotta pay… and nvm about that.. except that we’re about to make the biggest purchase of our lives – our home!! so in a way, i do feel quite bad about this whole thing, since i’ve already paid for it.. there’s really nothing much i can do right now. the fear of delving into the unknown child/id in me.. is a little unnerving. being alone on a work trip is pretty scary too.

next work:

after reading the above paragraph i’m sure you would have sorta guessed how i feel about work. i love my career, but i hate my job. oh how easy it is to go into bitch-mode and whack the management and boss and all that… i just find it tough to stomach chaos in a place that’s supposed to bring stability to the people we work with. politics, incessant comparisons and competition, new people who talk more than they work, nevermind that there are also shit-stirrers around.. and when i mean shit stirrers, there are more than i like to know. ah well, it’s hard to be rested in such a place.. and its laughable how they preach “rest”. (yes my eyes are rolling to the back of my head and doing backflips).

feeling lost:

i think when you base stability on things like work, credentials, promotions, even relationships. these things will eventually become shaky every once in a while. what i’ve learnt is not to base my identity, who am i – to what i do, how i do it, where i’m at, who i’m marrying or even how much money i’ve got. don’t get my wrong, these things ARE important – they create order in an otherwise chaotic world.. but above these things what really matters?

and it’s simple. “to love and be loved”

“GOD IS LOVE”

as cliche as it sounds, whenever i take my eyes off the Lord, chaos inevitably creeps in slowly. whenever i base my significance on work, school, the fact that i’m a scholar, my ministry, or that my boyfriend is amazing (he is!!!), i get lost somehow.. and God sometimes has to take over to bring me back to reality. Reality is Him. and significance comes from Him. i don’t have what i have today because of hard work, yea, maybe hard work contributed to 1%.. but it is through grace and by grace that i am where i am. and i thank God for allowing me to see that.

Tomorrow, I will still have to go to work. Come Tuesday, I will still feel confused and upset with myself as i delve into the unknown and fly off… but i know i could not have reach a state of peace amidst the chaos if the Prince of peace doesn’t dwell in me through the Spirit. So all is in good hands.. in fact i am in the best hands – the hands that hold the world.

I’ve also been tremendously blessed by so many who have prayed for me, given me tangibles and intangibles, and especially Joel – thank you honey for holding that space while i exploded and reminding me not to explode. haha.. thank you for saying that “it’s ok”, thank you for asking me to “take this one last solo trip and it will be good for you, but no more after this.”, thank you for attending to me amidst your own tiredness, busyness. i have the world’s most awesome, greatest, self-sacrificial boyfriend.. and all this i thank God.

and even for cg members who have been praying. for some who offered to give me a ride to the airport. for one who linked me up with her friends in hk so that i won’t be too lost. for the encouragement.

for joel’s mum who offered kind words and prayer support. when he told me just now that his parents took the angbao we gave his mom for her birthday, and stuffed more notes in – for him to pass to me to bless me on my trip.. it just awed me about how much God loved me. and she’s not even my MIL yet. awwww. i feel so loved.. and i’m gonna concentrate on how the Lord has been blessing, protecting and loving me through all these..

i’m lopping off the grumbling.. and looking fwd to a 10-day retreat with my God. i shall be alone but never lonely. Amen. tho i will of course be missing a certain someone.. incidentally, the last time i was in HK, you wrote me an awesome song! and i’m sure God will keep His watch so tight over me…

Good night. All’s well again.

So to cheer myself up, I met up with one of my favorite people (FAITH TAN!!!) and we went shopping. I’m impressed with the 6.5 hours I made it through.. hehehe.. super tired now!

Here are the buys!